Tick Tock, Tick Tock

I've been married for two and a half years now and so I guess it's only natural that our friends and family would want to know when we are planning on having a baby. When our friends started asking us when we were having a baby, I would respond by scratching my head and saying, "hmmmm, a baby?" In essence, my reply was a question to the question if that makes any sense at all. Now, it would be one thing if I had given this reply or quasi question-answer immediately after marriage. After all, most women don't think about a baby immediately after marriage. But this wasn't the case with me because I have been happily married for over 2 1/2 years and I'm still unsure as to this whole baby thing. The fact remains that I definitely want to have children. The question is when do I want to have them? And as to this, I haven't quite figured out the answer to this question.

Now the funny thing is that I always envisioned myself a young mom and had actually believed I would have my first child at the young, ripe age of 27. Well, this did not occur, mainly because I didn't get married until this age and also because I did not feel anywhere close to being ready.

Which brings me to my next point - what is this biological clock that everyone refers to? Seriously, all these women at my job when asked about their first child and the planning, their responses are, "Oh! I just knew!" And when I prod further into how they knew, their response is even more illuminating - "You just know when its time." Hmmmm. Yeah. Okay. Does that mean that there is a timer that goes off, hence the biological clock phrase and with that comes the green light that gives the go ahead to try and become a parent or is there more to this?

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Okay, fast forward two months: something miraculous has happened. I was in India and my period was dramatically late. Usually my period is like clockwork allowing me to accurately predict when it will come . So, it was only natural that I panicked after 3 days of no period. I talked to my uterus trying to cajole it to start the crimson wave and then something amazing happened - I actually wanted to be pregnant!

After five days of no period, I was convinced that I was indeed prego. I began patting my belly, envisioning a little embryo floating around and swimming. I started fantasizing about my baby, what it would be like, how I would tell my husband about the exciting news, my delivery, ect. And when I finally got my period on that sixth day, I was a little crushed. Okay, I was more than a little crushed, I was really sad that I wasn't pregnant.

So I guess this is it.......... I have reached the moment of truth - you just know when you know and I think I finally know....that I'm ready for a baby!

Big Girls Don't Cry

Today, i'm an angry girl. Why you ask? Well, I just feel like everything is going wrong this week. I've argued with my husband, brother, and parents. I feel like there is this external force conspiring to make my life miserable and whatever it is, it is succeeding because I am indeed a miserable person this week. On top of everything, my job has been adversely affecting me - the Judge doesn't understand the nature of the cases and the cases, well, it seems that I've inherited every crazy case in this county.

I didn't think it was possible to cry for three days straight (pms anyone?) but miraculously i've accomplished this and more miraculously, I still have tears left in me. When you're this upset, you wish that your tear reserve is empty so that you don't have to keep feeling the pain inside of you but when you start to feel and be conscious of your feelings, your body reacts by producing these annoying droplets.

So tonight, still feeling sad, miserable and depressed, I decide to try and block my mind my watching continuous episodes of my favorite - Sex & the City and so far, it's working.....but, it's not enough. So I decide to add some Ben & Jerry's ice cream to the mix (fro-yo of course because though the tum-tum craves the sweets, my ever expanding ass does not) and voila, I'm happy! While I'm happy in this setting, I'm afraid to shut the t.v. and stop eating the ice cream - afraid that my emotions will get the better of me and make me feel what I don't want to feel.

Ultimately, I realize that what I'm really craving is someone to hold and hug me and tell me that they love me. Instead I'm stuck with Carrie Bradshaw and crew and a bloated fro-yo filled tummy. I think this is why I wish I had a dog- they're always there to love you - unconditionally as the saying goes and that's what I want at this moment.