Over the Hill

So it's official - I'm over the hill - I'm 3-0 years old! Three decades of life completed! And I have to say it feels good and why shouldn't it? I feel good, still feel sexy, and energetic. My 30th birthday which I refer to as my last unofficial hurrah was a lot of fun - got drunk, danced like a monkey, and just had an all around good time with friends. And I feel like I got it out of me which I needed because I need to start think about something else - kids! Hubby is definitely in full gear to have them and now that I've passed this age marker, I feel okay about it, in fact, more than okay - i'm actually excited and scared at the same time. Excited because I can picture myself pregnant and loving it but scared because of all the changes it will bring. To prepare myself, I've been reading a lot on pregnancy and the literature I've come across is very interesting. Mostly, I'm reading on natural ways of carrying - eating organically, do's and don'ts, and delivering a natural, drug free way. Hahaha, it's so me to plan everything in advance. Of course, with my luck, nothing will happen the way that I want but it's fun to visualize! You know what's even more fun? Trying to get pregnant!!! :) We'll see what happens but keep your fingers crossed for me!

Family is Everything

My trip to India was wonderful mainly because I got the chance to spend time with my family members. In the States, I only have my paternal uncle, aunt, and two cousins and while I love them to death, there are definitely times when I miss my extended family - all of whom live in India. So while I was there, I really tried to cherish every minute that I got to spend with them. I didn't want to shop, sightsee, or do anything else. For me, it was just wonderful lying in the laps of my grandmothers while they stroked my hair. I soaked in every ounce of love that I received from all of them.

Upon getting back to the States, I felt somewhat lonely. I missed being surrounded by a big extended family. I missed all the laughs, jokes, and things that only your blood can understand. Since my family is so small in this country, I have to learn to appreciate them more. Instead of sometimes taking them for granted, I need to let them know how important they are to me, whether it be in the form of a visit, phone call, email, or card. Because without your family, you are nothing and to me, my family is my everything.

Ms. Type A

So I am leaving for India in a few days and instead of being excited, I'm freaking out for all the wrong reasons. One week before my trip, I decide I no longer want to go. In fact, i even look at the cancelation policy on my ticket to see if I can back out without penalty and duh, of course there is a penalty so that idea went down the drain. I then procrastinate my packing, which shouldn't surprise anyone because I am the goddess (not queen) of procratination. And then finally, I start throwing temper tantrums 3 days before my trip, leaving my husband to worry and wonder if he has married some serious pyscho woman. Which leaves the question - "Why was I acting this way?" Well, being the dumb dumb that I am, i really couldn't figure it out - why I felt such nerves at traveling for 2 weeks. I mean it wasn't like I was going to be away for a month, just two silly weeks! Moreover, it was my own decision to go to India. It wasn't like someone was dragging me there.

So I continued to act strange and do weird things up until the night before I traveled. In fact, that last night, I broke down and started crying and without chastizing me for acting like a lunatic, my husband (and this is why I love him so much) immediately hugged me and said, "I know....I know, you don't want to leave me do you?", which only made me cry harder because it was the truth. Aside from the fact I couldn't admit this to him for fear of looking pathetic, I don't think I really understood that I was experiencing separation anxiety.


I haven't been apart from my husband for this long.....i know, i know...its only 2 weeks but to me, it felt like I was leaving him for a longer period. I was genuinely afraid of how my husband would manage without me. Now I know this sounds incredibly stupid and even arrogant to some degree but I usually do everything in my house so I felt nervous at the thought of leaving my husband alone. Do I sound like a control freak?! The truth is that I am. I like doing all the cleaning and the cooking and I enjoy keeping my house organized. There are occasions when my husband will help out (though rare) or I will bitch at him for his lack of helping out but it is usually my need for order and control that drive me to act like Betty Crocker.

After coming to this realization that I am a control freak, I decided to do something about it. So when I got back from India, I made myself two promises: 1) that I wouldn't get upset at leaving my husband because not only was he fine without me, heck, he probably enjoyed some time away from his Type A wife and 2) I would learn to let go. In learning to let go, I have learned that it's okay to let the dishes pile up every now and then and that I don't have to constantly pick up after my husband - if his socks are sitting in the same spot for days, eventually, he'll realize that they need a washing because he will run out of clean ones! And so far, it seems to be working. True, my house is not as spic and span as it was and there are socks all over my house but it's okay because I am a more relaxed person now! Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy, I have to stop myself plenty of times from cleaning, picking up things around the house, or worrying about my hubby but I know in the end, it's making me a healthier (and saner) person. So Betty, sorry but you'll have to find someone else to take my position!

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

I've been married for two and a half years now and so I guess it's only natural that our friends and family would want to know when we are planning on having a baby. When our friends started asking us when we were having a baby, I would respond by scratching my head and saying, "hmmmm, a baby?" In essence, my reply was a question to the question if that makes any sense at all. Now, it would be one thing if I had given this reply or quasi question-answer immediately after marriage. After all, most women don't think about a baby immediately after marriage. But this wasn't the case with me because I have been happily married for over 2 1/2 years and I'm still unsure as to this whole baby thing. The fact remains that I definitely want to have children. The question is when do I want to have them? And as to this, I haven't quite figured out the answer to this question.

Now the funny thing is that I always envisioned myself a young mom and had actually believed I would have my first child at the young, ripe age of 27. Well, this did not occur, mainly because I didn't get married until this age and also because I did not feel anywhere close to being ready.

Which brings me to my next point - what is this biological clock that everyone refers to? Seriously, all these women at my job when asked about their first child and the planning, their responses are, "Oh! I just knew!" And when I prod further into how they knew, their response is even more illuminating - "You just know when its time." Hmmmm. Yeah. Okay. Does that mean that there is a timer that goes off, hence the biological clock phrase and with that comes the green light that gives the go ahead to try and become a parent or is there more to this?

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Okay, fast forward two months: something miraculous has happened. I was in India and my period was dramatically late. Usually my period is like clockwork allowing me to accurately predict when it will come . So, it was only natural that I panicked after 3 days of no period. I talked to my uterus trying to cajole it to start the crimson wave and then something amazing happened - I actually wanted to be pregnant!

After five days of no period, I was convinced that I was indeed prego. I began patting my belly, envisioning a little embryo floating around and swimming. I started fantasizing about my baby, what it would be like, how I would tell my husband about the exciting news, my delivery, ect. And when I finally got my period on that sixth day, I was a little crushed. Okay, I was more than a little crushed, I was really sad that I wasn't pregnant.

So I guess this is it.......... I have reached the moment of truth - you just know when you know and I think I finally know....that I'm ready for a baby!

Big Girls Don't Cry

Today, i'm an angry girl. Why you ask? Well, I just feel like everything is going wrong this week. I've argued with my husband, brother, and parents. I feel like there is this external force conspiring to make my life miserable and whatever it is, it is succeeding because I am indeed a miserable person this week. On top of everything, my job has been adversely affecting me - the Judge doesn't understand the nature of the cases and the cases, well, it seems that I've inherited every crazy case in this county.

I didn't think it was possible to cry for three days straight (pms anyone?) but miraculously i've accomplished this and more miraculously, I still have tears left in me. When you're this upset, you wish that your tear reserve is empty so that you don't have to keep feeling the pain inside of you but when you start to feel and be conscious of your feelings, your body reacts by producing these annoying droplets.

So tonight, still feeling sad, miserable and depressed, I decide to try and block my mind my watching continuous episodes of my favorite - Sex & the City and so far, it's working.....but, it's not enough. So I decide to add some Ben & Jerry's ice cream to the mix (fro-yo of course because though the tum-tum craves the sweets, my ever expanding ass does not) and voila, I'm happy! While I'm happy in this setting, I'm afraid to shut the t.v. and stop eating the ice cream - afraid that my emotions will get the better of me and make me feel what I don't want to feel.

Ultimately, I realize that what I'm really craving is someone to hold and hug me and tell me that they love me. Instead I'm stuck with Carrie Bradshaw and crew and a bloated fro-yo filled tummy. I think this is why I wish I had a dog- they're always there to love you - unconditionally as the saying goes and that's what I want at this moment.